We hear or read about it every day, self-love is so important, without self-love nobody else can love you.
If you do not know how to love yourself, how and why and should someone else love you? How do you know how love feels?
It took me years to understand how to love myself, and yes, it is not just taking a bubble bath once a week or getting a massage regularly. It is much more than that. Today I see the bubble bath or a massage as fun, relaxation, doing what I want, like being with myself, but self-love is totally different.
Of course all my bubble baths (believe me I took many) helped me relax in the moment, but no, they had nothing to do with self-love. In my case it felt more like: Ok, you are fine, you get through this, you will make it. (This feeling in french would be expressed with: ma pauvre!)
Self love is loving the SELF. What is the SELF you might ask?
It’s you with everything you have been through, with all your flaws, with all your thoughts and beliefs, with all your childhood memories, with all the ups and downs in your life.
Unfortunately, most of us run into our own limits:
- -how can I really love myself for the abuse I have been through?
- -how can I really love myself for what I have done to myself?
- -how can I really love myself for the exam I had to take 3 times to graduate?
- -how can I really love myself for the miscarriage?
- -how can I really love myself for the lost job when I was 27?
- -how can I really love myself for the divorce?
- -how can I really love myself for all hurtful situations?
We prefer to beat ourselves up instead of loving ourselves. And there a bubble bath would not really help.
Have you ever tried sitting in a hot bathtub filled with rose petals, the bathroom filled with vanilla scent, relaxing music running in your Spotify and you are heaping self-love on yourself, while inside you are still hurt that someone cheated on you, that you lost your job, that you let yourself be manipulated by your mother/friend etc.?
You probably will feel more self-pity sitting in this bathtub than anything else.
Forms of self love can be:
- Talking to and about yourself with love.
- Prioritizing yourself.
- Giving yourself a break from self-judgement.
- Trusting yourself.
- Being true to yourself.
- Being nice to yourself.
- Setting healthy boundaries.
- Forgiving yourself when you aren’t being true or nice to yourself.
Let me tell you: If you haven’t worked on healing of all the pain/drama/trauma, all the former forms of self love feel for you like failure, not being worthy of talking lovingly to yourself, not having the right to set boundaries, you just cannot treat yourself with love. You would continue feeling selfish when prioritising yourself, arrogant when showing up with confidence, or naive when trusting yourself. With this behaviour you would continue not living your dream, not expressing your wishes and desires, not loving yourself fully.
So this often recommended bubble bath is just avoiding the real pain, is just coping with it, it’s a mechanism to push something under the carpet instead of doing healing. It’s a moment to relax and forget. But true, every moment brings you closer to healing, so please do not stop taking the bubble bath.
For me self-love is looking inside first, taking inventory of what is really going on, sitting with it, facing it, acknowledging it. As it is said in the Bhagavad Gita:
“Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self”
Yoga helped me a lot to learn how to love myself, how to feel myself and be with it, especially being ok with it. You will feel immediately when you tap into something that is out of your comfort zone and you will learn how to embrace it. You can learn how to let this dis-comfort, pain, emotion flow through you, like water, and you can learn how to flow through situations with love instead of pushing them down, avoiding them through distractions (food, bubble bath lol, alcohol, sex etc).
Meditation is another important tool to heal and learn how to love yourself. An easy and important meditation tool is grounding. Grounding gives you strength, stability, a feeling of empowerment and you can let energies (like fear, anger and other emotions which create tension in your body) flow into the ground. You will feel an energetic shift instantly, maybe tears will flow, but that just means that you have released energies and toxins, you have let them go, you freed yourself, you empowered yourself.
I’d like to offer you an exercise that utilises the free flowing fear and sadness that is in your body. Find a comfortable seat, focus yourself and breathe normally. Feel the connection between your body and the centre of the Earth, and bring your calm focus to experience your interior state right now. If you’ve got any tension, contraction, confusion or emotional upset inside of you, breathe into that area and develop it with your breath. Allow yourself to feel it. Gather the tension and breathe it downward, let it slide down into the ground. Repeat. Breathe into your area of tension, wherever it is, gather that tension, and exhale it down into the Earth. If it helps, bring a grounding cord as a visual to let that flow down. Let that tension ground away from you and sense the relief. Your body feels when you let things go. If you need help, also use your hands moving down your body and your legs, and describe grounding to your body in a literal way. Keep your calm focus and let your body tell you when it feels done. Use this technique as often as you like, grounding helps you release tension consciously.
Truly I recommend grounding yourself each morning and stay grounded at all times, check in during your day and see if you are still grounded. Just as you’d ground an electrical appliance whether you were using it or not. Grounding supports and encourages flow throughout your body, which in turn helps your emotions awaken and come into the present moment, which in turn helps your intellect calm itself, which in turn helps your visionary spirit become more accessible. Grounding is the master skill in this process because it helps you focus yourself inside your body while you connect yourself to the earth. Grounding also gives you a way to cleanse your emotional realm. If you can breathe and gather your confusion or tension and then send it down into the earth, you can refocus yourself. Grounding helps you to remain centred in the outer world by giving you a way to cleanse and stabilise yourself in the inner world. And one more thing: you will feel LOVE for yourself after the shift of energy. Each time you let go of energy that was heavy, unclear, or bothering you, you feel real SELF-LOVE.
And then you can celebrate with a bubble bath which feels really amazing by the way.
By the way I also do have a free grounding meditation, if you are interested, let me know.
I invite you to come ad join me in my facebook group HEAL to THRIVE where I post more infos, tools, and techniques about meditation, breathing, healthy lifestyle, creating your business, mindset etc. I’d love to have you there if you are interested in healing to live a soul-driven life, from fear to freedom, from pain to power.
Feel free to contact me for more info or book a 20 min free breakthrough call
If you need help finding out about changes, goals, commitments, beliefs, procrastination, get in contact for your FREE session.
Regulating stress response with hhugs, do you think that could work for you?.
In the last two years we all have been through major life changes and were forced to adjust our life, especially our social life was influenced. Isolation, less contact, less communication, miscommunication, these were big factors that influenced our stress level. With higher stress there comes more anxiety and depressions.
This cat, always on my side. She taught me unconditional love, sitting and savoring the moment, getting out of bed and laying flat on the terrace in the sun, taking naps and taking care of her. All my life I was too afraid of cats so that would have never come to my mind to live with one. But one day she showed up at my front door and she just moved in.
Do you feel overwhelmed when it comes to health and career choices? Would you like to have clarity about how to improve your leadership skills, feel grounded and in alignment with your position, reduce stress and anxiety and have a better body, mind & soul connection? Are you craving workdays that are filled with joy and happiness while you feel respected?